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[Val Phoenix]

I've always believed in giving my bf space to do his own things and to pursue his interests - basically have a life outside of being with me. Never did I guess that was also the root to all our problems.


*sigh* What I deemed as freedom, he took upon as neglect. It sent him into the arms of another girl who cared for him "better". While I know what he did is inexcusable, it always takes two hands to clap. So I'm to blame for some stuff.


I had the unfortunate opportunity to meet her . It was just plain UGLY. I didn't know who to trust, and what to believe - his words against hers. I knew she was hoping that I'll give up on him. Everything he told me and said, were just a bunch of lies. I found myself believing the words of a complete stranger (her) over his. All this time I had this notion he was happy with me, and not once did he ever tell me he was feeling that I didn't care for or love him as much as he did me. A very bad case of poor communication.


We cried, and I yelled, unable to comprehend that if someone truly loved you as much as they said they do, why would they cheat, becoz in their eyes, even if they weren't happy, you'd be the only person right for them and they'd figure out a way rather than go seek someone else's company for temporary comfort. Maybe I'm just too idealistic.


We got back together after I thought long and hard, with his promise things will change and that I'll give him a second chance to make it up and we won't repeat what we did wrong.


Problem was, because it wasn't the first time I encountered cheating guys (my ex loved me and another gf at the same time), it did alot of damage to my self-worth. I felt I was nothing better than 2nd place and that I alone couldn't make the person I love happy.


I found myself changing, unable to trust someone completely. My bf does make a conscious effort to tell me what he's doing etc. but I find it quite awkward that he has to "report" to me. But when he receives phonecalls etc from an unknown person, for a second there, I feel fear and insecurity.


He does reassure me constantly but I feel sad becoz whatever happened to the old me - confident and trusting. I mean, is it necessary, all that explaining? I feel like an over-zealous gf, who is possessive and demanding. But all I ever wanted is to be the way I used to be. Except this paranoia is killing me and I'm unable to control my fears. But if I've forgiven him, why do I still have so many doubts?


Things are going great now and our communication is way better, if not for my paranoia. It's just gradually worsening.


Anyone out there who's reading - help! How do I get over this? Time is not helping!

[politicgirls]

Communication is always the most important factor in a relationship... i know how painful it feels for things to result this way.


Sorry to say this, but i kinda feel that he might not be the 'One' you have been looking for. 'Cos i believe if someone treasure you, love you truly, he/she wouldn't find comfort in someone else's arms, as for your case, he could have talk to you about the problem.


Please remember this, in relationships, there's NO SUCH THING of being number 2, you are who you are, special in your own way, sorry to say this, but those jerks who inflicted the pain on you are immature, as to them, having 2 girls in their arms at one time give them the pride in their circle of friends.


As for you changing, it's normal for anyone who has experience heartbreaks, you just wanna hold on to what you have and not lose it again, defensive i should say... but i do have a question to ask you, do you yourself know or have the doubts that he will make the same mistakes again?


Though he reassures you, but you just feel paranoia still, that's because you hadn't got over the past, i guess basically because of your ex bfs. Forget what happen, forgive their immature thinkings and get on with your life if you want this relationship to work out.


Lastly, i really suggest you two to have a good face to face talk, about your fears and problems, it's better for you this way, if that is, eventually you think/wish he'll be the one to spend the rest of your life with you.


Good Luck and Take Care.


P.S: U remind me of someone i know...

[Val Phoenix]

No offense taken, you were merely stating the facts. I've always believed it too, that if someone loved you truly, they'll never look at anyone else, or think twice in a moment of weakness before betraying you.


But in response to your questions:


do you yourself know or have the doubts that he will make the same mistakes again?


I've had alot of friends telling me, give it up etc coz once a cheater always one and no girl deserves this etc. etc... But one particular friend told me: "since you've decided to forgive him, why are you still holding prejudices? By telling him you're taking a second chance, you should trust him completely this time around. It's only fair becoz you promised. If you still doubt, then please dun jump back in. It'll never work out coz you'll subconsciously dig the past up."


Good pt


So I guess I will give him the time and believe him this time. I can't predict what would happen but the only way to find out is to give him the chance and then if things don't work out once more, I'll learn my lesson and move on.


I'll try to forget abt my past and all the unhappy things the best that I can, like you've suggested. Sometimes it's just alil hard, in the case of once bitten, twice shy. I just gotta get over this paranoia somehow. He is helping but I still feel awful.

P.S: U remind me of someone i know...

You mean your friend was in the same situation? Or is it he/she babbles on too much like me


Thank you for your advice and for your listening ear!

[Planetman]

'Cos i believe if someone treasure you, love you truly, he/she wouldn't find comfort in someone else's arms - this is my philosophy too